Realizing it has been quite some time since I have put pen to paper in any real effort to write, a sadness and grief accompanied. I miss writing. And as I decided to give it a go, trying to shut up the pesky inner critic, I’ve been playing with ideas and tossing brainstorms around. The one that kept circling and showing up was to do something on why people are so stupid. That seemed too cynical as well as time consuming; it wouldn’t take a lot of research, already have that, but seemed like it would end up being a saga if not a trilogy. So, in the spirit of the holidays and all things good, I am exerting a diligent effort to put my cynical, snarky side to the side (mostly) and explore what it means to be authentic.

In looking at the tons of amazing literature and studies out there about what it means to live authentically, there must be a point at which they all intersect. And there is. The intersection occurs on a spiritual level when we chose to live a life with no regret, making choices that nurture our body, mind and soul. Doing this offers us the only opportunity to truly serve others, give back, give in and be rich with compassion inwardly and outwardly. Anything short of this means we are not living a life true to ourselves and that we are seeking means of external validation. In fancy psychobabble terms, our authentic self can be described as being the person we were created to be versus our fictional self, the person the world has told us to be. Bottom line, when we are living a fictional self, we are subscribing to the agreements of the world versus what catalyzes our true being.

To boil it down to the barest of terms, what being authentic really means, simply put, who are you? When asked this basic denominator question, most of us have a tendency to say things like; I’m a therapist, a father, a student, I’m 42 years old, I live in California, I do extreme sports, I’m a dog lover, I love Merlot and long walks on the beach.” This is not an accurate description of who we are but what we do; it is an explanation of our place in society, our likes/dislikes, roles and labels. Most of these descriptors have been assigned by the world and our place in it, not by our authentic self.

We are drawn to those living authentically because they are comfortable in their own skin, have honor, integrity and are consistent in their words, behavior and actions. If we reflect upon the majority of great novels, stories, myths and movies the focus lies on the authentic hero. The protagonist that fights for the under-served, advocates for the disenfranchised and lives honest to their core values all in the pursuit of being authentic emotionally, spiritually and physically. This is the Hero’s Journey at it’s finest and explains why it is contagious to watch and be a part of, but so challenging to live.

If we are not being faithful to living our authentic self, there is often an emptiness or a void. These feelings can go unnoticed if we have strayed too far from acting in accordance with the person we were created to be. We can become so enmeshed with our fictional self that we lose sight of what it means to be authentic. Due to the demands of the world and the way we respond to them, it is easy to fall into the roles that others expect of us. When we fall into the patterns of external validation it can be easy to ignore the pull of our authentic call but often end up feeling soul-sucked or drained. By living our fictional self, we are living for others rather than what our greater calling is. Our fictional self is the voice telling us to pay attention to society, money, labels, being liked by the wrong people…ultimately when we buy into the belief that what other’s think is more important than living the path that is congruent with who we really are. This means living in right speech, right action and surrounding ourselves with others living the same. Doing anything other than this means we are putting our trust in someone else’s value system and following a broken GPS.

The challenge in living this journey is in having the courage to break free from people, roles and “things” that go against our spiritual code. The pursuit of authenticity can also be hard because we still need to make money and play well with others, which at times can seem oppositional to being true to who we are meant to be. Thankfully, the two can exist together. Living authentically does not mean we need to become an ascetic and disown all earthly goods or roles but rather an honest evaluation on how well our current labels, financial status, need for materialistic possessions, friends and means of income support our journey.  If any part of our life is so discrepant in feeding our authentic self, then it may be time to act in accordance. Making these changes and cutting people, things and roles out of our life can be scary. This is why most people choose to stay stuck in their fictional self. 

So, how the heck do we live authentically? There is no road map or definitive answer on what it looks like or means to live authentically; it is a completely subjective journey. But regardless of the individual, it begins the same by creating personal agreements that are in alignment with core spiritual values.

As mentioned earlier, there are many theories on how to best live an authentic life and how to nurture your authentic self, but I’m only going to highlight a few of my favorites. Theories are only theories until we experience them first hand, so the best advice is simply to live your authentic life by making authentic choices in whatever that truly means after honest soul exploration. But hopefully if nothing else, this will get the wheels spinning.

A solid jumping off place is to evaluate who we are in relation to the agreements we have been told and have chosen to believe. Most of us have been domesticated to think, act, speak and be in certain ways. This domestication has not given us permission to think freely and to challenge this way of being. It has become all we know, as if living our life on autopilot. These agreements that have defined us may not even fit but yet we live with them as constant companions, all the while taking us further from our authentic self and only reinforcing our fictional shell.

It takes immense courage to challenge these old agreements and to create our own. Thankfully, Don Miguel Ruiz distilled four simple agreements that can easily be a guiding force in living authentically. They are perfectly simple yet utterly challenging:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t’ make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.

By staying true to these four principles, we can begin paving the way to our authentic self. 

Another area that causes us to stray from being as authentic as we can is not being present in the moment. Depression is living in the past, anxiety is living in the future and peace is living in the present. When we are not living in the moment, we are clinging to outcome and not being true to who we are. Buddhism believes in four noble truths. The Cliff’s note summary is: there will be suffering, suffering comes from clinging/attachment and that suffering can end.

When living inauthentically, we are choosing to either consciously or unconsciously suffer. When we are suffering we are not in a position to give to self or to others and are not flourishing to our full potential. Most of the reasons we suffer and ignore the call of our authentic self is attachment. This can be attachment to our past, to our future, to our lifestyle, to having “people” in our life, to a false sense of community, to money, to being liked, to our possessions, to beauty, to being good enough and the list goes on. When we cling to certain outcomes, we are living fear based and can easily fall prey to our fictional self. This fear causes suffering and detours the pursuit of authenticity. 

The best way for suffering to end is to live through right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. If actively living right by our agreements, we will be organically aligned with our authentic self.

Part of awakening our authentic self requires acceptance of our own mortality. This is one of the hardest things to do because the ego struggles in comprehending finality. American’s spend a great deal of time doing everything in their power to avoid and push away anything that is a reminder of death. As a culture, we are steeped in death denial. This is a terrible disservice on so many levels including the ability to live authentically. 

There are writings after writings sharing individual’s awakenings after they have had a near death experience and how they made dramatic life changes as a result. These experiences can range in severity from a minor accident that shed light on one’s impermanence all the way to being pulled towards “the light.” Regardless of the severity, when faced with mortality, one of the most common reactions is to make major life changes, ones that put the individual closer in line with being their authentic self. Being close to death is said to make a person more alive, more compassionate, more aware and truer to their inner nature. This is in part because of the experiential awareness that life is fragile and the need to live with no regret. 

Something significant to ponder is to play with the idea of what you would do if you were given one year to live. This question often brings to mind all of the things we would not want to leave this earth without having experienced, given, let go of or done. The answers would probably give some informative clues on ways to live more authentically. Stephen and Ondrea Levine, death psychologists, did this powerful exercise as though they were truly only given a year to live. They lived one year as though it were their last: from writing their trust, to meditating on death, to visiting death, to making their end of life arrangements. In other words, they sat with death every day for a year, making friends with him and the valuable lessons gleaned were beautiful. At the end of their year, they were more attuned to who they were created to be. Preparing for death everyday gives us courage to truly live. 

I give you permission to truly be with death and what it means to die. Change your agreement in believing it is dark, see it as healing and courage. Think of it daily; yours, your loved ones, your enemies look him straight in the eyes. This assists in taking the fear out of the finality and is one of the clearest ways to teach us how to fully live. Death is one of life’s best teachers. Befriending death allows the authentic self to kick the fictional self’s ass. 

The heart of the authentic journey is to know and to live the truth of who we really are. This begins by creating healthy agreements aligned with our soul’s code, being present in the moment without clinging and befriending death.  Every moment we are not active in this adventure we are just breathing and not truly living.

 Questions for Reflection 

~ Do you know at this moment in time who your authentic self is? Explain it in detail. 

~ Are you actively living your authentic self or doing things to compromise it? When it is being compromised, what happens? What are the parts of your life that are incongruent with being authentic? What is keeping them in your life?

~ What are the necessary ingredients for you to personally feel your dynamic, authentic self? How can you add more of these ingredients into your day to day living? 

~ Playing in the world of make believe, what would your life look like if you were totally being authentic all of the time? Would you be in a relationship? If so, what would it be like? What would you be doing for a living? Who would you have in your life? Who would you not waste your time with? Where would you be living? What would be different than how your life is currently? Now, face mortality and hold the thought that you will someday die…knowing this, what is stopping you from living the life you just described? It doesn’t have to be make believe. Go and do something to bring yourself closer to this vision.

Resources

Dass, R. (2001). Fierce grace (documentary).

Hanson, R. (2009). Buddha’s brain: The practical neuroscience of happiness, love  and wisdom.

Khyentse, J. D. ( 2008). What makes you not a Buddhist.

Levine, S. (1998). A year to live: How to live this year as if it were your last.

Ruiz, M. D. (1997). The four agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom.

Van Valin, V. (2008).  Casting out fear: Shedding your fictional self –  Awakening your authentic self.

Thank you. These two, simple, not quite enough words are all that can come out of my mouth when I reflect upon the service of the men and women who have fought and are still currently fighting for our country. Thank you for having the courage to do something I would not have the bravery to do. Thank you for fighting for the privileges we have all gotten so used to, rather, spoiled in having. I am forever grateful to the physical and emotional dedication put forth for our country.

The depth and breadth of my gratitude has intensified as I have the honor to be sharing the journey with active service men and women suffering from the invisible emotional wounds of trauma. The immensity of their fight for the life they once knew and the newfound courage to embark on the battle of a lifetime never ceases to amaze me. There is not a day that goes by that I do not feel proud of the work I am honored in being a part of. These heroes are scared, yet willing to expose themselves emotionally, something completely foreign to them as a means of tending the deeply rooted memories and intrusive thoughts that haunt them daily and nightly. Loss of identity, feelings of shame, guilt and being a failure are the common threads that are woven amongst their stories. It is a true privilege that they trust me to hold their hands and their hope when they are incapable of doing so for themselves. It is incredibly powerful to witness the bond that is created amongst the Service Members from all branches and every MOS as they share the horrors that impact them. They are brought together by their tears, their pain, their stories. Last week, an Army infantryman was getting ready for discharge from the safety and predictability of his inpatient treatment with us and as a means of closure, we did a ritual. He wanted to memorialize the brothers he lost in an IED attack in Afghanistan. Outside, in front of his peers who too are walking this emotional path, he said his final goodbye. Without prompting, each and every one of the other men stood at attention, with canes, wheel chairs, self-induced deep cuts meant to induce physical pain to distract from the internal and wept. They each had tears streaming down their cheeks; tears for the loss, tears for their fallen brothers and sisters and tears for their own pain and the knowledge of the road ahead. Being in this presence is moving beyond words. Spontaneous tears rolled out of my eyes for their suffering and also for the pride in witnessing such acts of bravery. The courage to lean into the emotional work being asked of them is a thing of magic and I get to be privy to this daily. For that I am ever grateful.

To all Active Service Members and to all Veterans…and especially to those, I have been honored to walk with and serve, thank you. Thank you for your fight. Thank you for allowing me to be blessed in witnessing your healing. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to give back however small. Thank you for giving me greater perspective. Thank you for trusting me in holding the hope when you cannot. And thank you for being authentic and transparent in your journey and holding out your hands to take back your own hope when you are ready. It is the truest honor.

With a touch of humiliation, I drove myself to the nearest Planned Parenthood this morning to get a ‘confidential (wasn’t a selling point I cared about) and affordable’ (this was the seller) yearly under the carriage exam. The humiliation didn’t come at all from going to Planned Parenthood, rather, they’re an organization that I uphold with great respect for the work they are doing to educate and provide services. The humiliation came from being thirty-fucking-five, a woman with her PhD, working full-time and still not having any insurance! By thirty-five, as much as I don’t want to admit it, I guess I thought I’d be somewhere else. I mean no condescension to the age, but was explicitly told by not one, but two woman today… “You aren’t old; you look great for your age.” These random comments came completely unsolicited. If it had only been the one woman of a ripe 19 years, perhaps I would have paid more attention and even felt good, but since it was two, I began to wonder.

Feeling pasty white, a bit fleshy and vulnerable, I sat patiently in the rose colored crisp upper body paper gown, with the mismatched equally as uncomfortable white lower torso sheath for the practitioner to come in. Following the obligational knock, walked in Sarah, Nurse Practitioner/Midwife. She looked natural. She looked as though she would make homemade granola for her daughters. Legs unshaven, the sparkling blond hair accentuating her mustard corduroy skirt and brown Dansko clogs worn sockless. I felt immediately comfortable and understood from afar. She began asking the standard medical history questions which were then followed by more personal “Amy” questions. We struck it off beautifully. She even joked about the unique culture in Utah, which warmed my heart and helped me preemptively feel not judged by the multitude of tattoos she was about to encounter under the paper tent.

Before she began the exam, she asked if I had been having any problems. I replied, “No, but I do have a question.” I proceeded to state that as I age, I have noticed a significant change in my ovulation. More pain, more breakouts, more overall symptoms. She nodded and said, “Ah, that’s because your ovaries are screaming for life! They are fighting with everything they have not to die. You’re not old, but on your way and as you age, your healthy eggs are dying. They are DYING a quick and rapid death, one that is irreversible. They want to live, be fertile and reproduce.” Clearly, she could tell by my facial expression that I needed a translation or a stiff drink. She opted for the translation. “In other words, you don’t have that much longer to reproduce, so each and every time you ovulate, your hormones and system are working harder and placing more strain on your ovaries to produce fertile, healthy eggs. In addition, I believe your body goes to great lengths for its reproductive needs to be heard. So, yea, your ovaries are screaming!”

Even though I basically knew the information at hand but not quite as harshly, I was horrified. I felt betrayed and utterly crushed by the woman in my fairytale head in which I already crafted a rich story. She would be midwiving my futuristic child in the comfort of my home while smearing cocoa butter on my beautifully tan, extended stomach and hips. But apparently, my ovaries are screaming at the top of their lungs for life! Which I would love to give, but isn’t an option currently. This is when I humbly realized despite acting as though I don’t have some far flung agenda, I guess I do. At thirty-five, I’ve been gauging my life against an imaginary yardstick of sorts. One that said I’d be married with kids (the practice marriage doesn’t count), kicking ass professionally, traveling a ton to unique places, writing and sucking the marrow out of life. After a healthy dose of feeling sorry for myself, I pulled victim Amy out of her quagmire of shit and began to reflect on how thankful I am for the amazing life that I do have and do live fully each day. Just because some of the areas fall short, doesn’t mean I am not living a life of greatness. With joy and gratitude in my heart, believe me when I say, I’m still very attuned to each and every one of those screams with fingers crossed that someday they will be heard. Besides, I’m only thirty-five and rumor has it that isn’t old and I look great!

Having spent much of my life either belonging or attempting to belong to something, the false sense of community has become glaringly evident. Everywhere you go there are little subcultures attempting to be a community – a collective of like minded individuals in the pursuit of a common goal – or if nothing else, labeling themselves as such…climbing community, psychological community, yoga community, paragliding community, green/sustainable community, co-ops, online community, religious community. The list goes on.

The desire for community is a rich and noble pursuit, but really can an authentic, true community exist? And if it can, why are they so hard to find? We love the idea of community but are often disillusioned by the fairytale.

In every town I’ve been in and in every activity that I’ve played, people yearn for a sense of belonging; crave being a part of something, often compromising themselves to feel connected at all costs. But when the curtain is down and the beers pour heavy, the true feelings show. No one really feels connected or feels as though they belong to a community. In fact, it is quite the opposite. Complaining and hurt feelings for the betrayal within their community is usually what it boils down to. This shows itself by the talking of others behind backs, the tendency not to be able to share openly one’s opinion without causing irreparable damage, the inability to put away the agenda and truly listen to someone else without having to one up them or compare yourself to and the need to see eye to eye with no disagreement. 

Combining all the possible 94 definitions of the word community, here’s my summary: a group (two or more) united by a common goal, interest, struggles, risks, and beliefs that create cohesiveness due to the shared stories paired with a desire to create something better.

Sitting back viewing with an ethnographical lens, the dramatically varied “communities” that I find myself on the periphery, there’s always a breakdown. This breakdown seems to occur because of the desperate need to belong to something. Unfortunately, just because you have the same interest as a handful of others, does not automatically make you a community. A true community takes much more than a shared interest and common goal. Thus the part of the definition stating a desire to create something better comes to fruition. This is the difference between pseudo-community and true community.

A community can’t just exist simply because of a common thread, there has to be active building and nurturing of the group in order for a real community to flourish. This is where the disillusionment begins. We all want to belong but aren’t really willing to put in the work to make a true community. There needs to be community building.

Sense of belonging comes from a fulfillment of needs and a shared emotional connection. In many of the pseudo-communities that I’ve experienced, this is the barrier. Due to the narcissistic nature of the shared, common interest (paragliding, climbing, athletics, etc) individuals aren’t able or willing to put themselves on the back burner long enough to have empathy for or to share in someone else’s experience.

In my narcissism, I’d love to think I was the first to broach this timely topic, but M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author has done a brilliant job of it before me. He states that in order for a true community to exist, there are four stages it must go through:
1. Pseudo-community – the stage when individuals pretend to see eye to eye, cover up differences, act nice and pretend that differences don’t exist
2. Chaos – when pseudo-community fails to work and shit hits the fan, people show their true colors, fighting, disagreements and bitterness between members
3. Emptiness – members empty themselves, shedding their ego, dropping the persona, requiring a death of narcissistic, individualistic ways
4. True Community – in empathy with other members of community, able to talk openly in an authentic way about all things sometimes disagreeing but listening and learning together without letting ego get in the way, able to put aside differences to work towards common goal and betterment

Here is my $.02 as to why it is so hard to find a true community, most of the communities we find ourselves in reside somewhere between pseudo-community and chaos. Everyone plays nice to each other, putting their best foot forward, seeming interested in others stories and experiences, but that is where the connection stops. Acting interested is different than being interested; pretending to listen is different than true empathy.

The next challenge is when someone dares to say something that goes against the pseudo-community’s protective peacekeeping defense mechanism. This creates utter emotional mayhem. In the American culture, we don’t like confrontation, we don’t like disagreements, we don’t like to be challenged. So, when someone in your nicey, nice community goes against your belief system, it fucks with your ego and creates chaos. Stubbornness, righteousness and narcissism can be blamed for this inability to hear and empathize with others and puts up a metaphorical blockade.

Rather than leaning into the confrontation, sharing opinions (I know it is shocking, but it is ok to disagree and have different beliefs even in a group of people who like to do the same activity) it’s common to get angry and pout off. This is usually followed by a storm of slandering and whispers behind backs. As a result of not being able to handle the chaos and move on to the next two stages, our communities stop here…dancing between pseudo-community and chaos never making it to the beautiful true community status.

Can’t we all just drop the façade and get along? Even though this was meant solely as a social commentary on recent experiences within communities that I’ve been exposed to lately, it seems to make a lot of sense in the bigger picture. We are all inter-dependent; cities, countries, globally. Letting self-righteousness get in the way stops people and countries from moving beyond differences. We all just want to belong…but in order to, you need to be willing to empathize, be honest, hear honestly and check your ego for once and for all. Does it really always have to do with ego? I guess so.

Homework: Make it a point today to strive for emptiness at least once. It isn’t as scary as it seems. Truly shed your agenda, listen to someone from your heart without thinking of what you will say next, actually empathize with their experience not what your experience is or what you think their experience should be…be a little vulnerable, emotionally get naked. I dare you.

Much has been said about risk management in free flight; having proper input in active air, micrometeorology, and being prepared for emergencies. The surface has also been scratched regarding lowering pilot’s risk by evaluating skill level examining risk and reward.  This is highly valuable information. Unfortunately though, the most important component only gets glanced upon and is rarely fully addressed; ego and free flight. All of the educational materials, graphs and charts in the world regarding risk and reward will do a pilot little good if a deeper understanding and self-analysis of ego isn’t present.

From a psychological lens, this article is going to escort beginner to elite pilot alike in thinking about your ego and how it plays a substantial role in your flying. The very idea of getting an individual from a postmodern, highly developed, narcissistic culture to acknowledge their ego is a challenging task. But by the end of this series you should be able to:

1. Recognize that you do have an ego
2. Understand exactly what that means, how it functions and shows itself
3. Consciously question your ego and intention regularly
4. Play with the idea of transcending it
5. Take responsibility for it

This will help cultivate autonomous, emotionally aware pilots, that keep their ego in check, listening to others input, but ultimately self-analyzing to make independent, appropriate evaluations and decisions.

What is Your Ego, Really?

Ego first hit the scene in the 1700’s as a Latin metaphysical term meaning “I” or “me”. This is rather fitting and makes sense for the definition that has evolved over time. It wasn’t until 1860 that the word was used in conjunction with the idea of conceit and self perception and then psychoanalytically coined by Freud in 1914. The ego is most commonly defined as your conscious center; the part of yourself that makes decisions and can provide insightful awareness. It can be both your largest ally and darkest enemy. In activities such as paragliding and hang gliding this is no exception and can in fact be magnified.

More or less, ego is how you experience yourself in and around the subjective and objective world. It’s your daily conscious personality. Not your personality while behind closed doors, or while asleep, but rather the one portrayed to the world. The ego dictates experiences and everyday decisions while carrying the burden of mediating between the conscious and unconscious worlds. This is one heck of a burden.

Imagine an iceberg and its many layers. Visualize each stratum, eventually deepening well below the visible surface of the water. Your being is very similar. The entirety of the iceberg represents the whole Self– that which is seen and unseen. The tip of the iceberg represents your conscious ego, the part that is shown to the world. The layers underwater are symbolic of your unconscious. Including, the personal unconscious which is the warehouse of your personal history and the collective unconscious which houses your archetypes, instincts and complexes; the deepest most challenging to access. The ego is in a position to take clues from the unconscious, bringing hidden material to light which can potentially assimilate into your higher, more dynamic Self.

Ego acts as both a mirror and a complex, in that it reflects back what is shown and represented by the external world. Anything unconscious that has potential of becoming aware needs to be recognized by the ego through a feeling, fantasy, thought, or perception. Free flight can catalyze these experiences in a number of ways. Most of the time ego is the only part of your being that is conscious; which simply means that there is awareness. It does not imply that all is illuminated, known and understood, just the tip of the iceberg. Now comes the tricky part, the ego most often is conscious but can and sometimes does morph into a complex.

A complex is an unconscious wound that is triggered when your ego is threatened by an emotional disturbance. Complexes are stored in your unconscious; either personal or collective dependent upon the quality of the disturbance and what it triggers. When you think of a complex, think: mother/father complex, inferiority complex, short-man’s syndrome and you get the point. There are endless complexes, most of which are completely foreign to you since they’re lodged deeply under the surface.

They possess an enormous amount of energy and do whatever necessary to be felt by the ego, often gaining control making it powerless. Complexes are what create most of the negative connotations society has with ego. Usually, by age four your primitive ego has developed and from there it escorts you on your path guiding you through your life full of adventure and choice. It further grows by challenges that are placed from your unconscious world into your realm of awareness. These challenges, Carl Jung, Swiss Psychologist, called “collisions”. Essentially, they are crashes between a complex and your ego. As challenging as these collisions are, they’re necessary to develop and grow further.

To wrap your head around what a complex is and how it’s felt, reminisce about a time when someone said or did something and you reacted strongly. The reaction could have been internal or bubbled out externally but in hindsight, seemed irrational or over emotional. Chances are a complex was triggered. They occur regularly, but since they are a hidden part of your unconscious, they are challenging to pinpoint subjectively, however, those closest to you can see them in action more clearly.

The Ego’s Objective

The most basic goal of the ego is survival. Paragliding and hang gliding are fundamentally counterintuitive to this due to their very nature. They defy gravity and play with heights; two things many people are scared of. The definition of survival is two-fold; survival in a tangible, don’t die-physical way and survival in the emotional sense of confidence, attachment, and approval. Ultimately, the fairy-tale objective of the ego is to assist you in developing into a viable, spiritual, autonomous individual. The fancy term for this is individuation. Ideally the ego will grow and evolve to increase consciousness, thus facilitating a more emotionally intelligent, less troubled, person capable of loving self and others.

When and How Might the Ego Show Itself?

You may be wondering, where is all of this going and really what does this have to do with my flying? The answer is a lot! There are ample opportunities for the ego to show itself in free flight and this is where authentic, down and dirty, objective self-analysis comes in. To begin, take a look at the “ego quiz”, answering the questions honestly to get a baseline for the integrity of your ego in your flying.

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Ego Quiz –Answer these questions deeply & honestly. It is suggested that you write down your answers in an attempt to really reflect on them.

*Why do you fly?

*Do you personally check the weather every time you go out to fly?

*Are there days you just follow others because they are flying?

*How does telling others, Facebook, YouTube, and forums affect your flying? In other words, if no one knew you were a pilot and you didn’t share your experiences, would you still fly?

*Regardless of experience level, do you regularly evaluate your intention; keeping your psyche sharp and involved?

*If you were injured from flying, would you get back in the harness or give up the activity? Why or why not?  

*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Regardless of how talented someone is at their activity, being in the natural elements raises the bar and changes the playing field, adding a different level of commitment and needed clarity to perform the task at hand. One needs to be cognizant of the risks involved, thereby often requiring them to drop any façade being fully present with themselves and the potential consequences. In reality, pilots make educated choices on a phenomenon that cannot be fully explained or seen, micrometeorology.

Most sports have a physical component that makes it all too evident whether the individual is capable of performance. You wouldn’t try and race Lance Armstrong up a hill, climb El Capitan with Lynn Hill, or big wave surf with Laird Hamilton. Because it is quite clear that your physical and mental ability aren’t prepared for such a task, unless you have devoted years to training both mind and body. With paragliding and hang gliding there is not a huge physical or athletic component in launching into the air; in fact, many students take flight during their first lesson. Your ego can easily be fooled by having hours of flying time assuming because time has gone by, you’ve elevated your learning curve and become more experienced, when really you may have just been flying lucky. What’s visible to the naked eye can falsely make you believe that since you don’t see danger, that it must be safe. This is one of paragliding and hang gliding’s ego traps.

The reason you fly is integral in keeping a healthy ego. If your intention is coming from an immature, posturing place, please reassess.  As you know, many people admire flying and this external feedback only reinforces the ego, sending signals that what it’s doing is safe and even cool. This type of thinking can and does lead to poor choices. Regularly evaluate why you fly. Hopefully your reason is one that is soul searched while holding a healthy respect for the activity.

Group mentality is a sure fire way for a weak ego to get suckered into flying when it’s not appropriate. There are countless times when standing at launch in a group, conditions unpredictable pilots still fly. The reason, groups have the power to convince the ego that everything is fine. Historically, it has been studied that people base their definition of self on what others think. Collectively, you are somewhat engrained to be predisposed to perform when around others. This is not the time to fall into this mindset.

Technology, videos and forums are great. It’s fun to watch, share and post the flight after the fact, but this seemingly harmless variable has led to many injuries and pilots taking risks they may not otherwise take. Ask yourself, do you go bigger when cameras are rolling? Most people do; again, all because of the power of the ego. After the flight, safety is much more important than the bragging rights that videos or GPS printouts provide. Take the time to ponder, am I flying because the conditions, emotions and skill are appropriate or is it to be viewed as a superhero on YouTube?

These examples affect the ego’s goal of survival and can trigger a complex. Anything viewed as a real or perceived threat to its structure is daunting, causing the ego to become hyper-vigilant and protective. You have specific complexes that have protectively served you throughout your life in times of ego need or crisis and are strong enough to justify any action or feeling regardless of how maladaptive the reaction truly is. This can be experienced as the critical chatter you hear in your head, feelings of inadequacy, competitiveness, arrogance, and a deluded sense of self. Notice the spectrum.

A common ego threat is the fear of not being good enough or being judged. Approval is a basic human need, and some go to great lengths to feel connected and admired, even if it goes against intuition and voice of reason. Part of survival is connection with others. When your ego is put into a situation that is externally motivated and risks being judged, primitive attachment needs get stirred and can make your ego act impulsively, even unwisely. 

The irony is that the ego’s primary goal is survival, while it’s that same desire to live that allows people to make poor choices in a desperate attempt to seek approval. When the ego doesn’t receive the craved validation and connection, it perceives itself as being close to symbolic death. It will go to great lengths to be noticed and admired; even if that means being unsafe, which rationally goes against its objective. Most of this process is unconscious, it can however become illuminated and transcended if diligently evaluated and worked on.

Ego plays a part in everything we do; good, bad and indifferent. Paragliding and hang gliding provide the perfect platform to magnify the ego; either positively or negatively. As Joseph Campbell so eloquently stated, “How to get rid of ego as dictator and turn it into messenger and servant and scout, to be in your service, is the trick.” Keeping this in mind during your journey as a pilot will be integral in maintaining a healthy, humble ego.

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Ego Assignment – For the over-achievers, here are some assignments to play with to help evaluate your ego.

*Every time you fly over the month, keep a journal of the experience. Reflecting on why you chose to fly? What were the feelings involved?

*Draw or write about the “shadow” or dark side of flying. 

*Write about a time when your ego was involved negatively in your flying. What happened? 

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**Pre-note: you may not want to waste your time if you are seeking inspiration, entertainment, enlightenment, education or answers. This provides none of those. Just a nebulous post that meanders around a personal quandary. **

For the last two weeks I’ve been in a funk. This isn’t totally uncharacteristic for me; certainly I am an emotional person, some may even say moody. The funk I find myself in is one of a philosophical nature, one that  is deeply rooted, one that can’t be solved, one that seems to be an ever present companion; at least since I was about seven years-old. Perhaps another adjective to then throw in the mix in describing myself is dark.

The philosophical funk has to do with dying. I know that I am no exception or special in my thoughts around death and dying. Most people fear death and think about it or if nothing else ignore it and shove it aside, still a form of thought or energy, albeit denial. I wholeheartedly believe I am comfortable in accepting death; it is the dying and end of life issues that are bullshit. And those are where my funk resides.

Knowing that my grandmother is nearing her transition to whatever is out there when we die; my mom and I decided to take a mother-daughter trip to Oregon to visit. Perhaps for the last time. Probably. The long weekend staying with my uncle and his girlfriend was super. Good wine, good food, good music, some laughs. All of this as it should be. I didn’t want or expect it to be a death march, all in black. But it’s out there, the smell of death and dying. The energy in knowing that someone is closer than another to their last experience here on earth. As if there wasn’t enough moisture in Portland, raining every day I was there, my continual waterworks didn’t help one bit.

In reflecting, the abundance of saltwater streaming from my eyes wasn’t for the loss of my grandmother. I will be sad when she is gone, don’t get me wrong; but rather it was for the suffering and humiliation that end of life often holds. Tears and heaviness for the loss of normal, adult functioning. The sorrow and grief of how hard it is to put on a pair of shoes, eat oatmeal, hold in piss and shit. The regression to childlike behavior of body and mind.

I know that this is often the way it is and I shouldn’t be surprised or taken aback. Having worked for Hospice, midwiving(JL) those dying and their loved ones through this inevitable process, I have been present many times and witnessed many deaths. I am no stranger to death and dying. These experiences and the amazing visit with my grandmother still make me wonder, really? Why does the end of one’s life need to be degrading and messy? Who, in the bigger sense, would do this and what type of cruel joke is it? I can’t help but feel it only confirms my theory or shall I say, lack thereof idea of god. If a person was an asshole, a murderer, an adulterer, a bottom dwelling jerk… then I get it. Suffering at that point makes sense. But what of the hardworking, kind, loving, individuals who don’t “deserve” it?

Of course, in your head, you’re thinking, “No, this is not true of all end of life.” I know this too. But you may not want to argue with a girl in a philosophical funk. Regardless of the statistics of people who have blissful, beautifully magical deaths and transitions, for some it still sucks and is a humiliating, painful, bullshit experience.

Yes, I know suffering is the primary noble truth. Yes, I know that clinging is the root cause of all suffering. But even those wise words don’t always help, nor do they justify or ease my funk. Others end of life suffering still fucks with my Buddha nature and I probably should just succumb to the fact, it probably always will.

There are no answers. I guess the only answer is to live fully. That seemed to be the consensus of the elderly and dying cutie patooties at Somerset Assisted Living, “seniors living in style”. The establishment was beautiful, gorgeous grounds, sweet smelling aroma of freshly baked cake wafting through the air vents. But it still sucks. Every resident I spoke with said, “sweetie, live it up, it sure goes fast.”

Call it dark, or call it playing on the dark side, regardless, all this talk of dying and end of life, makes me think and hopefully get off my butt. And I think it is a good thing to think of as often as I do, as often as possible, as long as the funk doesn’t get the best of me.

As I sometimes watch days go by apathetically, I guess the main thing to take from this philosophical funk is reminders. Reminders that I know, reminders that I preach to others. Reminders that I sometimes forget. Reminders that I sometimes want to ignore.

• Life is full of suffering, none of us are exempt. Even the good people.
• Live each day as fully and passionately as possible. It is in fact short.
• Be honest no matter the outcome. You and those around you deserve it.
• There is a good chance your end of life will be bullshit.
• Try to grow; emotionally, physically, spiritually. Regularly. When you think you’re done growing, you’re wrong and need to think again.
• Be kind. Be kind. Be kind.
• Live as though you’re dying. Because you are.

Since you all have been voraciously following each new installment in the ego mini-series, you now have a solid foundation to understanding the ego. The primary purpose of this article is to shed light on how and why the ego comes out to play in adventure sports. As we know, the nature of the ego finds itself in almost any other activity as well. In theory, the title can be a fill in the blank, Ego and _________, and it could probably fit. For example, ego and business, ego and relationships, ego and communication, you get the point. I will be looking at the components of adventure sports that can highlight the ego either positively or negatively. While these specifics are obviously different than other things, the concept is overarching and applicable to many areas.

Being a big fan of defining terms, it seems important to explain my meaning of adventure sports. By adventure sports I am referring to an activity or sport that requires physical and mental skill blended with Mother Nature, the natural world. The reason the natural component is imperative is that it creates a variable of instability, one that cannot be predicted flawlessly.

Regardless of how talented someone is at their sport, being in the natural elements raises the bar and changes the playing field. It adds a different level of commitment and needed clarity to perform the task at hand. One needs to be cognizant of the risks involved, thereby often requiring them to drop any façade and be fully present with themselves and the potential consequences. Adventure sports to be considered are: climbing, backcountry skiing, mountaineering, paragliding, BASE jumping, surfing and others. Please don’t jump to conclusions and assume these to be extreme or adrenaline sports. Adrenaline may be produced in some adventure sports and some may seem extreme, but that is a whole other ball of wax.

Now since that is out of the way, let’s explore.  I ask you to close your eyes for a moment (after you read this of course), take a deep breath, quiet your thoughts and think to yourself: What would you do if you had no ego? And…what do you do because you do have one? 

Ego plays a part in everything we do; good, bad and indifferent. Some days when going out into nature to try your hand at an activity you feel like a superhero and then there are days quite the contrary, and you feel like shit. Once again, either thank or blame the ego.

Adventure Sports as an Ego Agent

Adventure sports are the perfect platform to practice ego work. If the participant has a healthy, rather intact ego they can propel them a smidge closer to self-actualization or reaching their full potential. In parts of the psychological world, this is considered to be our higher goal, individuation. On the other end, if an unhealthy, immature, splintered ego is involved, they can wreak havoc. There are many reasons why adventure sports provide a rich opportunity for ego evolution; nature and movement being the two largest external catalysts.

Both nature and movement act as a bridge connecting our unconscious and our aware, conscious self. As I am sure you remember from Part II J, collisions with the unconscious are what enables the ego to grow. The more we do to dip our conscious toe into the water of the unconscious, the more opportunity our ego has to develop. Adventure sports help with this task.

Nature

Nature is the essence of our being. This may be debated, but we are interdependent with the earth and its contents. Nature can escort us closer to our primitive self, bringing us “back to earth”, allowing us to get grounded.  It has the potential to attune us body, mind and spirit. Playing in the elements (probably excluding fire) nurtures our true nature. Currently in our society, we often are so far removed from nature and being outside that we have become ego-centric rather eco-centric; being in nature helps this deficit by providing rich psychological lessons.

Movement

Movement connects us to our body, which is a resource to experience thoughts, emotions and sensations. The more mindful we are to our body, the more we can make meaning of life. By being attuned to the somatic experience, one is able to be present and aware, cognizant of body, mind and spirit. Activities that allow individuals the embodied experience creates holistic integration, preparing the ego for growth and transformation. Adventure sports can be viewed as a tool for this to occur, bringing our body’s wisdom into being.  The basic principles behind somatic psychology that work with the ego are: by moving we change, paying attention to our bodies brings us into the present moment, our aliveness and center resides in the body, and when we are dissatisfied our bodies usually tell us and give us answers about the needed changes.

Inner Workings

The external means of nature and movement allow for the inner workings of the psyche to be explored and exposed. Since the ego is the primary receiver of information; real, perceived, external, internal, conscious and unconscious it makes sense that nature based adventure sports can thrust a person into ego work.

Show Yourself Dear Ego

Adventure sports can provide moments of clarity that expose the ego’s strengths and weaknesses. These can be experienced somatically (physically) or psychologically (emotionally). The ego is a set of organized structured ideas, images, and representations based on both personal and collective history.  Since the ego is defensive by its very nature, it attempts to protect its delicate veneer. When the participant is mindful, the ego can let go creating a more authentic, connected, trusting, confident, autonomous relationship to self, others and the world at large. This is not meant to infer that a person with a healthy ego does not experience the frustrations or issues that arise; they are just better equipped to handle them in a more mature way.

Archetypes Come Out

When dabbling in the unconscious (of course, one does not really know this, as it is unconscious for a reason), archetypes are stimulated. An archetype is “an innate potential pattern of imagination, thought or behavior that can be found among human beings in all times, all places” (Stein, 1998, p. 233). Archetypes are common to all humanity and provide the foundation for individual experience. They are housed in our collective unconscious as primordial patterns and images that are woven from history, art, myths, ancestry and religion.  When you think archetypes think stereotypical roles of characters in either movies or literature and that gives you a solid idea.

The archetypes pave the way for complexes and internal, unconscious processes to occur. Some of the archetypal images that can be encountered while participating in adventure sports are: the shadow, anima/animus,  hero,  trickster,  mother/father, heroine, god/dess, child, athlete, warrior, saboteur, explorer, and the sage. Archetypes exist within each human being and are inherited, not acquired. They act as guides in emotional situations.

Nature and movement provide the perfect invitation for archetypal play because they bring us closer to our organic self, urging them out by communicating with the unconscious. Archetypes encourage individuation and want to be witnessed. If given the opportunity, they will emerge either positively or negatively, again, based on how the ego interprets their company and what complex is associated.

Ohm, Active Meditation

The shift in consciousness that occurs when participating in adventure sports opens up the integration of body, mind and spirit. These shifts have many names (peak, flow, zone, etc.) and are ultimately a form of meditation. The primary objective of meditation is to create mindfulness and present moment awareness. When actively engaged and involved in an adventure sport, mindfulness naturally follows.

Adventure sports can be a form of active meditation; actively participating in something that creates complete involvement in which one centered meditation occurs. Mindfulness allows awareness of the present moment with acceptance to see things as they really are; emotionally and physically. The quality of being attuned and surrendering to the moment is very transformative and is the primary reason why meditation is so powerful. It provides the space to see things as they are, not get bogged down by the emotions triggered and keep the ego in perspective. Meditation has the potential to dissolve the unhealthy, representational ego while strengthening the healthy, assimilated ego.

Adventure Sports as Ego Threatening

Adventure sports provide a rich opportunity for ego transcendence and growth, but they can also be challenging to the ego structure if the participant is immature psychologically. Nature and movement can instigate unconscious ripples that make their way into the ego. Anything that threatens the ego increases vulnerability since it goes to great lengths to protect itself, remain in control and survive. There is a component of uncontrollability in adventure sports that innately puts our ego on edge.

Ego threats can induce an array of negative reactions: anger, anxiety, withdrawal, frustration, low self-esteem, doubt and neediness if the ego is weak to begin with. The reactions themselves are normal, with nothing wrong with them really, but the extent in which they are experienced and how they dictate the person is the crux.

The reaction when an ego threat is present is based on a person’s ego strength and their history.  These reactions are commonly known as defense mechanisms which at some point were developed to protect us, or a wounded part of ourselves. They are formed from a complex within our collective unconscious. They are initiated when something unconscious seeps into our field of awareness. Even though they have protected and served us at some point, we often outgrow them. With a healthy ego, this can be evaluated and worked on.  

Jackass Mentality

As briefly touched upon earlier, archetypes come out in all varieties dependent upon the activity and what unconscious material is associated. These can be positive, empowering images if experienced from an assimilated ego, such as; the hero/heroine and the sage or they can be quite the opposite. There is a mentality, or an archetype that I like to coin The Jackass, that seems rather present in many adventure sports and their corresponding environments.  You all know who I am talking about. You all have experienced this archetype in living, breathing form.

Definitions for the word jackass are: fathead, incompetent, foolish or stupid person, an inappropriately rude or obnoxious person. Sound familiar? Regardless of your participation in adventure sports, you have all come into contact with this type of person. Whether at the crag, hanging at launch, getting ready to jump a bridge, paddling out to a wave, waiting in line to get your mountaineering permit; the jackass, the person who is loud, posturing, immature, elitist, arrogant, competitive, bragging, etcetera. They often are the ones pounding beer, smoking pot, hollering “wooohooo” and boasting about their most recent accomplishments. This archetype illustrates brilliantly what happens when someone participates in adventure sports for the wrong reasons, has poor ego awareness and doesn’t possess the inner resources to begin the journey of individuation. In my sort-of humble opinion, this is often what is more closely aligned to those claiming to be an adrenaline junkie or be an extreme athlete.  The jackass is the culmination of an ego threat gone bad.

Conclusion

Adventure sports can magnify the ego; either positively or negatively. Anything that triggers unconscious material can stir up all sorts of things, often the parts of our hidden, shadow side or complexes. This is a result of collisions between unconscious and conscious.  Nature and movement can be useful in the deconstruction of our ego, allowing it to transcend and usher us along our journey of individuation if we can keep it in check; whereas a stuck ego gets sucked right into the murkiness of negative reactions and can reside there providing no insight for growth. If not assimilated and handled by a healthy ego adventure sports can make someone act, appear, and stay an asshole. None of us are perfect; in fact, we all have some asshole potential within ourselves and the uncontrollability of nature based adventure sports certainly can bring this out, so be aware.

Beginning from where we left off, the ego. To recap Part I for those of you joining the party late: first and foremost, the ego is tricky and not that easy to explain. When all is done and said it is the center of our conscious self. Mostly. That is where it gets sticky. The ego is often conscious and aware but can and does get triggered in a way that melds our yucky, murky unconscious material with our conscious self. This is when our ego does not allow us to be our most dynamic. This is when we get into fights, act like an asshole, lose friends, ignore all reason and a slew of other not so redeeming acts. Sound familiar?

The triggered ego complex is what keeps psychotherapists like myself in business. It also gives reason as to the bad rap that the ego sometimes gets.

Ego Development

Since none of us are exempt, how then does the ego develop and form anyway? From birth, our primitive ego is formed and continues to grow. Residing and moving around within our field of consciousness it is our closest ally to being aware. Early external and societal experiences define our ego, providing layers that shape the lens in which we view the world.

Usually, by age four our primitive ego has developed and from there it escorts us on our path guiding us through our life full of adventure and choice. It further grows by challenges that are placed from our unconscious material into our realm of awareness. These challenges, Carl Jung called “collisions”. Crashing smacks between our inner and outer world cause our ego to develop and grow further. In as much as these emotional turbulent collisions suck, they are essential in ego formation.

A wise friend of mine in response to Part I, commented, “Although I don’t understand why everyone has a problem with the ego…the universe doesn’t put things in there that aren’t useful…if it’s here it must be quite useful and the best thing up to date for its purpose, no?” The simple answer is yes. The ego is the best thing up to date to help sort out all of the bullshit that finds its way into our field of consciousness and it is those conflicts that give us the most opportunity to grow.

Ego’s Objective

Some of you may be wondering what the goal of the ego is. While others may be thinking, uh, duh, isn’t it to help us be a whole, aware human being working towards our full potential? And you would be right. Ultimately, the primary objective of the ego is to assist one in developing into a viable, sustainable, capable, autonomous individual. The fancy term for this is individuation. Ideally the ego will grow and evolve to increase consciousness, thus facilitating a more emotionally intelligent, less troubled, peaceful person capable of loving self and others.

Healthy Ego

It may seem obvious as to what a healthy ego is; it is the opposite of an unhealthy ego, right? Just to be safe, let’s take a look at the basic components involved in the making of an intact, stable ego. A healthy ego is confident, independent – and makes for a well balanced, aware, empathetic, humble, functional individual. An integrated ego is resilient and able to take in material from the unconscious without completely spinning out of control.

A healthy ego is necessary for spiritual work, growth and for the ego’s goal of individuation to occur. Without a healthy, functioning ego, it is nearly impossible to attempt our higher purpose. Granted, it is rare for anyone to have a completely healthy, assimilated ego, but at minimum we are shooting for glimmers. These glimmers of awareness can lead to larger moments and these are what help when any unconscious material bubbles up challenging us.

Unhealthy Ego

Don’t worry, this part doesn’t apply to you, just the other guy but you may want to continue reading since you have already invested this much time. What makes for an unhealthy ego? It is much harder to self analyze and see where our own ego needs work, the areas that border upon unhealthy, but we have all been around others that beautifully illustrate a dysfunctional ego. You can tell right away, usually this person in fact, triggers your own ego in addition to being a putz.

Conflict in individuation causes issues to our ego as do complexes being triggered. This is if you remember and read well from Part I, when our ego becomes a complex. These two primary conflicts are both the curse and the beauty of the ego. If we have a healthy, assimilated ego, one that can be kept in check and can be integrated these issues are what catalyze us towards reaching our full potential or higher Self. If we don’t have enough awareness, these can and will be our Achilles Heel and lead to unhealthy ego development and poor consciousness.

Individuation is the first conflict that our ego encounters. This is the pulling between our sense of self with that of our environment, families, and culture. It is a tension of the opposites: inner and outer. We all want to be liked by others and fit in, but there is a fine line, the one that individuation addresses. It is the boundary where our ego and persona meld. If individuation does not occur, an immature ego results and is experienced as selfish, vain, self-important, fixated, and egocentric; or on the other extreme, needy and co-dependent.

The majority of daily struggles that we encounter are a matter of an unconscious complex triggering our ego. If these collisions are serious enough or we don’t have a strong enough ego they can be catastrophic. Examples are when someone reacts so completely inappropriately for the situation, seem infantile or irrational. A complex has immense power, such force that it can make a person act totally out of character. Less intense complex reactions include: storytelling, competitiveness, exaggeration, arrogance, isolation, jealousy, and defensiveness amongst a million others.

All of the mentioned reactions are normal, but they become dysfunctional when we cannot make aware the unconscious material that is triggering the negative ego response, giving them power to control our better judgment.  Not only are they normal reactions, they are necessary in order for our ego to grow. It is just what is done with the material that dictates whether we are in possession of a healthy ego or not.

Being that the groundwork has been laid regarding the ego, we are now equipped and ready to see how this affects performance, choice, emotions and actions while participating in adventure sports.

**Stay Tuned: Next in the Ego Mini-Series, Ego in Adventure Sports…What role does the ego play in these activities? The answer is…usually a lot.

We all have one; some healthy and intact, others big, a few assimilated, and many fragmented and stunted. The ego. At the end of the day, what is this thing we call ego anyway?

To lay the foundation for the upcoming series on ego and adventure sports, it seems necessary to actually define this infamous entity. There are essentially as many definitions for ego as there are people in the world who possess one. However, for intents, purposes and personal biases, I will be viewing our ever present companion through an analytical psychological lens. This of course is not the end all be all definition but a great and integral jumping off place, one that feels most aligned with what the ego really seems to be.

Let’s jump off into the deep end together and start at the beginning by looking at the etymology of the word ego. The word first hit the scene early in the 1700’s as a technical metaphysical Latin term meaning “I” or “me”. Clearly, this is rather fitting and makes perfect sense for the definition that has evolved and is most often prescribed. It wasn’t until 1860 that the word was used in conjunction with the idea of conceit and self perception and then psychoanalytically coined by Freud in 1914.

Ego is a noun. Most of us recall from elementary school that a noun is a person, place, thing or concept. We all know someone whose ego seems large enough to be considered its own person or have its own zip code but really the ego falls within the concept category. Therefore, ego is a noun similar to love or happiness, something that you cannot see or touch, but still exists, albeit abstract. Essentially if one were to look up ego in the dictionary, definitions such as: the aware part of the self, appropriate pride, inflated pride, the conscious division of psyche and identity would be what shows up. All of these are accurate on some level, but still a bit watered down.

To get to the bare bones, by ego I am referring to the center of consciousness that makes up a person’s personality, is the core of decisions, choice, and acts of personal awareness. This is my twist on Carl Jung’s definition. More or less, ego is how one experiences oneself in and around the subjective and objective world. It is our daily conscious personality. Not our personality while we are behind closed doors, while we are sleeping, or in an array of other non-ordinary states, but rather the personality that we carry most often with us, the one we portray to the world, dictating our experiences and everyday decisions. Our ego carries the burden of mediating between the conscious and unconscious worlds. This is one hell of a burden.

Imagine if you will the Earth and all of its many layers. Visualize each stratum, eventually deepening towards the center. Our personality or being is very similar. In Jungian terms, the Earth is our psyche or Self– the whole entity. There are then two unconscious layers, the collective unconscious which houses our archetypes, instincts and complexes and our personal unconscious, the warehouse of our personal history. These encase our conscious core, the ego. The ego is in a position to take in some clues from our unconscious, potentially assimilating them into our higher Self.

Ego is both a mirror and a complex. It is mirror in that it reflects back what is shown to it and represented by the psyche, the external world and unconscious. Anything unconscious that has potential of becoming conscious needs to be recognized by the ego through a feeling, fantasy, thought, or perception.

The ego as a complex is in fact, more complex. Most of the time it is the only part of our essence that is conscious. Stating that our ego is conscious simply means that there is awareness, there is very little hidden. It does not imply that all is aware and that all is conscious, it is the only meager little piece of the pie that can boast conscious awareness.

Now comes the tricky part, the ego most often is conscious but can and sometimes does morph into a complex. A complex basically is a wound, an unconscious one. They are triggered when our conscious ego is introduced to and threatened by an emotional disturbance. Complexes are stored in our unconscious; either personal or collective dependent upon the emotional disturbance and what it triggers.

Complexes possess an enormous amount of energy and do whatever necessary to make themselves felt by the conscious ego. They ultimately gain control of the ego often making it powerless. This is what creates most of the negative and unhealthy connotation we have with ego. The main goal of ego-consciousness is to gain some control over the bullying of a complex. The ego as a complex will carry the torch, and be examined further in the remainder of the series by looking at how this can interfere with adventure sports and spiritual growth.

To wrap this up and place it into a tidy little box with a pretty bow (hopefully you see the irony in this as it is impossible to do so) the ego has many definitions, but when it is distilled, it is the center of our conscious self which gives us identity and the dictator of decisions. Unfortunately though right when we thought we could claim some form of awareness, our ego as a complex can be triggered and then go into a state of unconscious upheaval. The ego is a challenging concept one that can’t be easily defined. Even though it is considered an abstract conceptual noun, it sure seems to show itself often in our activities being an ever present companion, sometimes helpful sometimes detrimental, giving it lifelike qualities making it feel more like a person or thing!

**Next in the ego mini-series: Healthy vs. Unhealthy ego …be on the watch for this blog by week end! & practice keeping your ego in check 🙂

Recently doing some research and reading in the travel writing genre, I stumbled upon a short story in The Best Traveler’s Tales 2004 by Jeff Greenwald titled, My New Best Friend. Overall, the story was entertaining, well-written and captured some valuable moments despite being a bit lengthy. All of that is really beside the point though. There were a few hidden morsels tucked within his essay that have wholeheartedly resonated; in fact so strongly, that I can almost confidently attest to them having changed my well-engrained mindset. A simple thank you will do.

To summarize, Greenwald was on a pilgrimage of sorts, trekking up Mount Kailash, a sacred mountain in Tibet when he found himself utterly challenged, frustrated and downright pissed off by a fellow traveler. These ongoing emotions provided him with rich opportunities to evaluate his inner landscape. Between the majestic setting, people he met along the way, and cultural tidbits of wisdom, he was able to navigate tricky feelings. These lessons are what have paved the path for a refreshing way of personal thinking for me.

We have all experienced this at some time or another, often multiple times in a day, being triggered. This can range from being mildly annoyed to being completely, full-blown consumed by an incident, person, or ‘whatever’. Usually what happens when we get prickly is our ego has been challenged. Since we don’t like that, our unconscious, sometimes conscious self, if we are lucky, goes into alert and we take it personally. 

Taking the trigger personally is the part I have mastered pretty damn well. I totally know when it happens, can see it, feel it and fully experience it. Then it comes down to what I do with it. Some days, on the good ones, I handle the turbulent emotion like a blip, flicking off a piece of lint; like water on a duck’s back. These well handled moments seem rare. On the not so good days, I ruminate. I spin. I think. I analyze. I trip. I turn it around, flipping it on all sides. I think some more. Ruminate a bit longer. Usually, all in my head. I guess that is the positive side, at least it only haunts me in my head and I normally don’t act on the impulses I feel from the internal spinning. That there is the pot of gold.  

It seems rather silly that as an intelligent woman, one that is analytical, mostly rational (this ebbs and flows based on the time of month), a decent critical thinker and above all, a psychotherapist for Christ’s sake that I should have been able to figure this out myself. Having studied feelings, personality types, communication, and relationships it seems so basic. I have even guided my clients in this type of psyche shift, perhaps not in these words, but more or less the same theoretical concept. It is as clear as the nose on my face, but yet so challenging to instill into the daily rigors.

Essentially, whenever someone or something angers us, it really is about us, not them. Imagine that? The people who cause us the most grief are often our greatest teachers. They provide us with priceless opportunities to control our anger and deconstruct our ego. Knowing this, yet often thwarted by it is where the simple yet effective reminder from Greenwald came to fruition. Our ego clings and our ego needs assistance in being broken down. This wisdom is from Buddhist philosophy and depth psychology.

Before Greenwald began his pilgrimage, a friend shared a Tibetan saying; “Kha sher lam khyer,” literally meaning, ‘whatever happens, whatever arises, bring it to the path.’  This is the first juicy morsel taken from his travelogue; whatever happens, bring it forward, see it, and be completely open. This helps leave ego at the door, shoeing aside expectations creating the space for growth and awakening. Good advice; bring it to the path. Even the Godfather seemed to know this…instead he just said something like; take it to the mattresses, mildly similar idea. 

The second gem: just say thank you. When triggered, rather than waste energy taking it personally, bring it to the path, see it for what it is, and instead of ruminating, show appreciation. Be grateful, thanking the person, situation or feeling graciously and sincerely for assisting in your ego deconstruction. Thank them for helping in this never ending cause. By no means am I suggesting being a complete freak by uttering the words out loud, albeit an interesting and mildly humorous option, but rather silently whispering them in your mind at the point of emotional flair up. “Thank you for providing me the fertilizer to be angry, you have really helped me to keep my ego in check.” Then let it go. Great advice a friend once told me, “Sometimes you just gotta let it go.”

This week, there is great gratitude for the multiple chances that have gifted me with practice time. Much of the conversation in my head has sounded like: “Thanks for interrupting, this gives me time to think before I speak,” “Thank you for sending inappropriate Facebook messages to my boyfriend, this helps me realize that I am not in control and that I am worthy of being loved,” “ugh, this boulder problem sucks, I appreciate continually falling off, getting totally frustrated, thank you,” “Hey, thanks for talking about yourself incessantly, it allows me to know you better and reflect upon myself.” With so much gratitude, it is hard to stay angry. It feels amazing to say thank you and realize the growing curve to be had from the frustration.

This simplistic prescription of bringing it to the path in broad daylight and saying thank you has been liberating and beneficial in assisting my triggers. Who knew that by being grateful to those who cause us the most grief can free us from being captive to their power. Thanking our tormentors offers forgiveness to them and more importantly to ourselves; creating the space to actually just let it go. For that I am thankful!